Never thought I'd say that, but it's gotten too close for call. I think I'm ready to embrace that community, reasonably accept a good dose of humility. Much deserved.

The story I am going to tell - you won't like it. You'll be disappointed. But maybe, possibly at least from a satirical standpoint, you'll understand.

Two days ago (Saturday), a close friend wrote me a somewhat argumentative email from his workplace. He had stated that he wanted a certain book back. I decided to take the opportunity for a country drive. Carefully I drove out to his place, maybe 13 miles from here way out in the country. It was 4:30 in the afternoon, and I was bombed. Meaning by then I'd had much, though not all, of a fifth of vodka.

Yeah. Talk about a majorly stupid decision.

So, I'm driving back on the same highway I've driven on hundreds of times before. The one that has claimed four speeding tickets from me. I'm still trying to be careful and certainly had the physical capacity to do so. But I get behind a couple of people, and to me they are driving annoyingly slow. Eventually I lost my cool, decided to shoot out past one of them. Blazing at 75 mph in a 60. I see the state trooper coming the other way. He immediately does a U-turn.

What would you do? Under that circumstance?

I knew the show was over.

Within a fraction of a second, I ducked down into a very quick right turn into a community. Picked a driveway, which already had three cars in it, and stopped there. Left the motor on, knowing I was about to get nailed.

I wasn't in that driveway for five seconds before the trooper pulled up behind my ass, lights flashing. I was done. This could somehow mark the end of my career.

Just listen:

SO....Thought you could get away from me, could ya?

Why did you pull off like that?

Well, I panicked. Felt like I was probably speeding.

How fast do you think you were going??

Oh, maybe 70 mph.

Wrong - 75 mph.... How much have you had to DRINK today, sir???

(That's after I gave him updated insurance, registration, DL etc.)

The guy was SHOUTING at me. He was bald and barely 30 years old - typical state trooper.

Well, maybe one or two.

When did you start???

I'd say around 10 a.m.

Stay in your vehicle. I'll be back.

At that point, I began to entertain the possibility that somehow I might get loose from this - but it still didn't seem likely.

I sat in my car, engine still running, for five full minutes, while he did his paperwork. Then he comes back over to my side.

Okay sir - I'd like you to raise your head out the window

and DON'T MOVE YOUR HEAD. Just use your eyes to follow my pen. Here we go.

Sure, I could voluntarily move my eyes back and forth per his discretion - but I was failing miserably. He knew it. I knew it. It wasn't possible to stop the quick return (fast phase). I thought: this is it.

Then he says:

Step out of the car please. Okay sir, I would like for you to recite the alphabet properly, starting with E and ending in X.

OOH. I needed to think about that one. My plan, of course, was to answer properly. But there was that weird starting point of "E". Very quickly I rehearsed mentally. A-B-C-D-E. Then I felt, but wasn't sure, I was ready.

E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-....EXX.

He said:

Okay, get back in your car. I'll be back.

Another five minutes go by. Clearly he is pondering, deciding whether to arrest for DUI and he had all the ingredients necessary.

He comes back up to my window with a speeding ticket.

Okay sir, and let me tell ya. You are REALLY CLOSE. SO CLOSE, I CAN'T BEGIN TO DESCRIBE.

I was getting let off.

I stated

You are very kind.

He stated back:

No, don't tell me that. I love to nail drunk drivers. And you sure do smell like it. The alcohol is leaking out of your system.

You are WAY past toasted. Where do you work?

I work at U of X , and about to leave town for another position in a different state.

WHERE DO YOU LIVE???

Just down the road sir.

WHERE?

I gave him my full address. It's just up the road, maybe two miles. It's a right turn onto Elm just after you get below that highway sign.

WHAT TIME IS IT??

I believe it is 5:30 p.m., sir. (Everything ended with "sir".)

WRONG! IT'S 4:30 PM!

Whoops - my bad. My car's clock is one hour off. (That was true.)

Backing out of that driveway was very, very scary. It was maybe 50 yards.

Okay. I think that's enough. I think it needs to be AA at this point. The problem is declination of humility. But let's be frank. You have GOT to be humble. It takes that in life. I think I'm there. Still walking on water, which I really do not understand.

HEY! Did ya'll see the curl snake we killed on the 5th fairway this morning? Be careful out there, ya'll!

REDNECKS AND YELLOWS KILL A FELLOW....REDNECKS AND BLACKS, A FRIEND OF JACK!

What were you talking about in there?

It was not a coral snake. It was just a harmless kingsnake. If the red rings are adjacent to the yellow ones, it's a coral snake. If the red rings are next to the black ones, it's a scarlet kingsnake.....Red next to yellow, kill a fellow. Red next to black, a friend of Jack

Eastern coral snake

Spank me twice! Do it harder...don't be nice!

Alex and I were born 38 years ago today. The above invitation goes out to women only for me....too bad Raving Alex has a friend (with benefits)! I just love my singularity (so does Alex ....shhhhhh)! By the way, Alex - you need to keep your friend tied up! Did you see her comment to me when I was actually supporting our president? (Heh, heh!  I kid). 

By the way, just to give the readers a heads up....here's what I want for my 40th birthday:

Well, I've been reviewing NIH grants for the past week, which is why there has been little activity on my part. I don't know what Steve's excuse is.....he's only a "nookular" engineer.

He hates it when people mispronounce nuclear....except for GW Bush. It never seemed to bother him. That's a republican for you. I'll bet Rush Limbaugh can't pronounce it correctly, either. 

At any rate, I'm sure he's pleased as punch with his improved job security since the big oil gush. 

Sorry, I just couldn't help myself!

Can you hear me, now? Good!

Someone asked if I was trying to impersonate Stephen Colbert. No, I am not. My real name is indeed Steven. Stephen Colbert is my idol, which is why I have his twitter tweets at the very top of the list.  If I'm trying to impersonate anyone at all, I would say that I am trying to impersonate someone who cares to answer ridiculous questions. 

¹Yes, but slightly less so than Steven

So, you see, if it weren't for the color of our hair, it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to differentiate the two of us.

If a stupid cat can do this, so can I! I'm gonna buy me an iPad!

• Bitchin' Frizzy (Bichon Frise)
• Rock Welder (Rottweiler)
• Damnation (Dalmatian)
• Chee-hoo-ah-hoo-ah (Chihuahua)
• Schnozzle (Schnauzer)
• Some mo' dogs (Samoyeds)
• Lotsa Asshole (Lhasa Apso)

If you see your vet write down "ADR" when your pet is sick, it means "ain't doin' right". Seriously!

The absolute worst thing is when your dog has a poor prognosis. "Tell them not to buy a big bag of dog food"

But, if I get sick, I think I'll go to my vet. I think he'd take care of me far better than any MD.